Light ‘Em if You Got ‘Em

The Free Agent is saddened, but not surprised, that Mister Obama, oath of office not withstanding, has sided with terrorists against the First Amendment.  In the President’s calculus, it is one of 350 million Americans exercising his right to burn a handful of dried wood pulp and ink that puts “our men and women in uniform in the line of peril”, not the fact that they have been placed in the crosshairs of homicidal religious fanatics by their commanders-in-chief.

In our short attention-span, sound-bite culture, Mister Obama did not have a chance to elaborate on the full range of protections afforded by the First Amendment which we may want to curtail now that giving offense has been elevated not only to a crime, but a crime punishable by death.  Always to hand with help, The Free Agent makes the following suggestions for defanging the rest of the amendment.

Obviously, the establishment clause precludes the naming of an official state religion, but inspired by press conferences given lately by everyone within arm’s length of a stick mic, The Free Agent suggests we all get along by passing the All Religions are Great amendment.  Armed with an authentically parchmenty copy of this addendum, American soldiers will surely turn would-be mass murderers, hunched from the weight of the C4 duct taped to their chests, into ardent students of multi-culturalism, curious to learn more about this enlightened old nation of ours.

Without freedom of the press, where would Pastor Terry Jones be but where he was a month ago, whack-jobbing in obscurity?  More importantly, where else could Soledad O’Brien earn a living pleading with other pundits for reassurance that terrorists know “this does not represent mainstream America”?

A prefix will clarify the First Amendment’s right to assemble, simply add un- to “peaceably”.  The federal government will in future defend any demonstration as long as rocks are thrown at an embassy or some symbol of America is burned in effigy.

Consider this The Free Agent’s petition of her government for redress of grievances.

As of this writing, the death toll from the Terry Jones kerfuffle is three Afghans, who knew of the threat to burn a sheaf of dried wood pulp and ink, but not the fact it had been called off, shot by their police force.  The First Amendment is in intensive care, but still fighting.

The Free Agent extends the following invitation to her loyal readers—next year on September the Eleventh, come one, come all for an old-fashioned American marshmallow roast.  The Free Agent will provide the kindling.